Kalistan

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Jerk Magnet draws Controversy on Debut Outing
Conservative Mothers object to naked women on record covers
Sulari, Duchy of Suldanor
March 19, 5734


Reed Model Keeley Jones draws controversy for posing nude on album cover

The Sulari punk/metal quartet Jerk Magnet has released their debut record, Kalistani Girls Hate Us on LCR, and have immediately been slammed by conservative parents groups. Their complaint is that the record has an obscene cover featuring jewelry model Keeley Jones. "Our kids who are at the record store should not have to look at this smut when they want to find music from their favorite artists," said Megan Crawford, spokeswoman for Kalistanis for Decency, a new parents' group founded with the aim of cleaning up Kalistan's music. "We would like our Government to reform its obscenity laws to prevent filth like this from being on display at our record stores."

Last Chance Records, the Sulari-based punk and hip hop label responded to Kalistanis for Decency with the following statement: "The band themselves picked the photo. It was taken with Ms. Jones' full knowledge and consent, and the photo is in no way indicative of the mechanical recording of the album found underneath the cover. The image is designed to draw publicity for this otherwise unknown band in an attempt to promote album sales. And the band accepts all responsibility for their choices. LCR is a reputable record company, and the members of Kalistanis for Decency would be invited to buy a copy of the record and see for themselves if the recording quality of the band's songs are not an accurate representation of the various studio sessions the band conducted to make these fourteen songs available for their customers and fans in recorded form."

Ms. Jones, who recently signed to a modeling contract with Reed Jeweler, says she did the photoshoot as a favor for her friend, who is dating the lead singer of the band. "My friend, Gina, who is dating (Jerk Magnet lead singer and rhythm guitarist Max Hollingsworth) knew that I was doing modelling, and asked me if I would be willing to model for their album, to kind of help the band out. I had to check out my contract with Reed, which only prevented me from taking pictures wearing other people's jewelry, a sort of non-compete clause, but, well, as you can see, I am not wearing any jewelry at all in the photo." Jones said doing the photo nude was her own idea. "Sex sells," she said "even in a country that's as permissive around sexuality as Kalistan is. So I gave them a very tasteful nude photo for their cover. I told them that if they sell a million records they can give me some of the royalties from this record, but for the shoot, I only took a single peso. What do I need the money for? I was doing a favor for my best friend."

Crawford and her decency crusaders were not put off by the Record company's dismissal of their concerns. "No, we are not going to be buying a record called 'Kalistani Girls Hate Us.' That suggestion is ridiculous. I have no intention of subjecting myself, or my family, to that sort of filth. I mean for crying out loud, the band is called Jerk Magnet. What kind of name is that?!"

Mr. Hollingsworth said the protest over the album's cover was ridiculous. "Look: Keeley's picture on the cover is just a picture. Is it her fault she looks like a model? I think these mothers are just jealous, to be completely honest. We're musicians. We're not photographers. You should judge us by the quality of our music, and then tell us if we're being obscene..." Mr. Hollingsworth said the names of some of the songs are just jokes. "Our first single, 'Long Slick and Olive Green' is about a muscle car I own. It's not even really a good play on words. We have some other songs on there... 'Get your Ass Out' Well, that one is about running around naked in public, but not in a sexual way... It's like a prank or a joke... Let's see... "star f--ker...' uh that's about touring across Kalistan... All of these songs are about partying and having fun. Nothing on this record is obscene... Well, 'Touch the Sky'... yeah, that's one's about a stripper... Anyway, these songs rock... Nobody can tell us they don't."

Most critics who did actually listen to the record said it was a fairly good record despite the controversy. "Sulari's Jerk Magnet bring a juvenile attitude to the radio," said the Kalistani Rawk Monthly review of Kalistani Girs Hate us. "But the songs are a ton of fun, a lot of energy. There's enough groove here to deny it solid punk cred, but the songs themselves are very straight forward, almost bare bones, riff driven and occasionally very thrashy and speedy, so they keep at least five toes in the punk genre. This leads for a very interesting solidly alternative album, with well crafted songs loaded with enough innuendo to keep every 13 year old dude from Sulari to Kaliburg giggling as he believes he is decoding the lyrics, but also to keep the thrashers and skate punks moshing at the shows. If you want a solid, no-skip rollercoaster that feels fueled by cocaine and everclear, Kalistani Girls Hate Us ain't the worst record you can pick up."

Crawford said she and her group plan to organize a boycott of all stores that sell the record. "Maybe if we hit these smut peddlers in their pocketbooks, they will take us seriously." She and fourteen other mothers signed a petition to LP Outlet, Sulari's largest record store, saying they will not be buying anything from the store, and will encourage everyone they know to also boycott the store until LP Outlet commits to refuse to stock this, or any record that is deemed too obscene for children. LP Outlet, contacted for comment said that they had already sold out of the three copies that LCR had sent to them. "In all honesty," said Company Spokesman Eric Allison, "We get so many records in here a day it is kind of hard to keep track of little bands like this, who really aren't on the radio or whatever. Like who cares about a band named Jerk Magnet. Are you serious? And LCR usually sends us these records from bands nobody has ever heard of, just trying to recoup on them. They usually go in the 10 Peso bins, but it looks like we sold all three copies we had last week, and will probably be ordering another dozen this week, since there's all this controversy around it. Jerk Magnet might be recouping after all..."

You can see for yourself if all the controversy is warranted. We linked "Long, Slick and Olive Green", Jerk Magnet's first single from Kalistani Girls Hate Us, released on LCR featuring a tasteful nude of Ms. Keeley Jones, as well as the full LP below. If you are offended, Kalistani's for Decency would certainly like to speak with you.

[Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VL5LV9PVZ8]
"Long, Slick and Olive Green", Sulari Punk/Metal band Jerk Magnet's first single on LCR

[Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-rWned1MUs]
Jerk Magnet's Kalistani Girls Hate Us full stream. Kids, do not look at that cover.

@KalistaniRawkMonthly