Kalistani Major History

[Doc]

A Day in the life of an Agent
IBSI invites The Republic to "Spy School"
Reynoldia, Duchy of Suldanor
October 20, 5543


The supposed famed "One Time Pad", declassified for Publication

The Kalistani Republic was invited to the "training facility of the Imperial Bureau of Security Information" for a tour, and we were given a look inside the supposed "Top Secret Spy School" that trains agents who subsequently tour the world in search of information aimed at giving Kalistan the edge in informational warfare. Our guide, who was known to us as Alex (a code name to be sure) was commanded by superiors to give us candid answers to our questions and to take us on a "full tour" of the facility. All of what follows is accurate in historic fact, but none of it is real. We were not aware of the true nature of our "tour" until after it was over. Below is a faithful accounting of the conversation between our reporter, Melinda Kellis, and the member of the IBSI's Department of Public Information.

M(elinda) K(ellis, of The Republic): Alex, this building is fairly unassuming. This is the training facility for IBSI?

A(lex) Yes, this simple office building here in Reynoldia. You see, there is not even an armed guard at the door. The "most secret" rooms in the entire Empire are right here in this innocent looking office building. You see? We have nothing to hide here. This is a public building. Anyone can come in.

MK: Goodness. I had no idea. Well then, let's go in.

Alex: Absolutely. First, here there is a reception area. This is where guests must register. We have already cleared you into the building, so you will simply let our receptionist know your name and she will buzz you and I into the building.

MK: Very well, Melinda Kellis, Kalistani Republic.

(Receptionist buzzes us into a room as Alex leads me through a heavy security door.)

MK: This seems like a very easy process. How in the world do you prevent foreign agents from coming here and seeing how you train your agents?

A: Well, firstly, there is no real reason that foreign agents would come here. Nothing we are doing at the School here is anything that intelligence agents across the world don't already know. Secondly, I assure you: As a member of the Department of Public Information, it is my job to show you, your readers, and that includes members of foreign governments, everything you will see here, so that we can put our foreign counterparts and domestic audiences at ease and assure them that the IBSI is a benign, friendly, and perfectly transparent organization. Our work is simply to help His Imperial Majesty better understand the world, so that we may find new ways to cooperate with our friends in, say Baltusia.

MK: Ok. Well, let's continue the tour.

A: Ok, we are arriving at the Second floor. Here is where men and women are practicing signals intelligence. Do you hear those beeps, clicks and whirs?

MK: Yes, there are so many different signals. There must be ninety radios here. How does each operator tell which one is saying what to which?

A: They are all very highly trained. What you are hearing here is none other than top secret, super max encrypted direct voice communication between foreign high command and their military units all across the globe. Take this operator, let's call him Maxwell. Maxwell, what are you listening to here?

(Maxwell concentrates closely on his radio. There is a strange sine wave sound punctuated by four clicks in rapid succession and then three beeps.)

M: I can tell you, Madam, that this here is a General speaking directly to a tank column operating in Northern Keris. He is giving orders for his column to take a specific mountain pass. It... yes.... it appears that this is just a training exercise. And... well... this part is classified, Madam.

A: Yes, Maxwell. Let's keep that part secure. Carry On.

M: Yessir.

A: As you can see, they are all highly trained in understanding top secret super cryptography, just by listening.

MK: How can they make all that out from those clicks and beeps?

A: It is a skill, Madam, and they are all highly trained. Let's move on.

MK: Amazing. What is next?

A: Next we have our own Encoding class. Here these cadets are all learning to memorize the famed One Time Pad Code. I have a copy for you of the One Time Pad key. This particular document has been declassified, but the One Time Pad itself is a secret code that these men and women must commit to memory.

MK: How does the One Time Pad work?

A: Well, they use this key. They receive a secret message, often in a way few would even suspect, be it a pigeon, or say, one of our agents slips the code into a pizza box that is being delivered, or maybe as a string of letters in a book or over the radio. But it is impossible to break, because the key they have memorized, is unique to all Kalistani agents and if others do not have that key, the message will be nonsense.

MK: But is the code breakable?

A: Absolutely not.

MK: So the key is memorized.

A: Yes.

MK: Well, won't agents be able to more or less take the series of letters and work out patterns that they will then easily be able to crack the key? Computers can do this fairly easily. I think there are actually logic problems where you can take numbers and if you notice patterns, you can use the numbers to decode the full message. I did one on the train ride here actually.

A: Nope, the One time pad is so famous because it is literally unbreakable. Once the agent memorizes the key, they can use it over and over and over again without fear of the message every being decoded.

MK: Does every agent have their own key?

A: No, this is why it is called the "ONE" time pad. There is one key for all agents. Its how they communicate secretly.

MK: Are you sure it is not one time?

A: We really need to continue. You may print the key in your paper, and if your readers can figure it out, they are welcome to apply to the IBSI.

MK: Fine, let's continue.

A: We have arrived at the third floor. Firearms training. Here our agents learn the basics of firearms, weapons of specifically self defense.

MK: Theses are awfully loud?

A: Yes, they are being fired without silencers. In here silencers are not necessary.

MK: Do your agents use, say, pins that fire poisonous darts or cufflinks that have secret cameras in them?

A: No, Madam, I think you read too many books. Spies don't do things like that . No, we issue all of our agents a standard issue .45 caliber pistol. Purely for self defense of course. We also teach Karate if we have to engage in unarmed combat. Karate is the most lethal and esoteric form of martial art ever invented, and all Kalistani Agents are at least a 93rd degree black belt in Karate.

MK: That is quite impressive.

A: Well, our foreign agents are the best, Madam. Let's move on.

MK: Indeed.

A: This last office here is the Office of the Director of this training facility. It would appear that he is out today. I understand you had an interview prepared, but unfortunately, the Director of Training could not be here today. So, we will continue on to the cafeteria, and I will leave you to your lunch. You may meet other agents there, but your tour of the school is complete.

MK: I thank you for your candor and willingness to show me around.

A: You are most welcome.

We don't think we have to tell you, our readers, that the tour of the spy school, such as it was, was a complete fraud. It is a matter of public record that the training facility of the IBSI is in Gendaris, and not Reynoldia. We also know that the One Time Pad is indeed, theoretically, at least, unbreakable, but not the way Alex described it. It is unbreakable specifically because the key is used only one time, and is based on a randomly generated series of letters. Since the key is only used once, there is no pattern to ascertain, making the coded message without the key indeed a series of nonsense letters. The way Alex described it would be broken the second time a message was sent. As for the "signals intelligence" training, the fraud is indeed unbelievably facetious.

The Kalistani Republic however, has represented the tour we received of this facility faithfully. When we contacted the IBSI's Department of Public Information, they confirmed the location of the actual training facility (already a matter of public record), and also confirmed that the facility we went to is a training facility simply for members of the DPI. What they can possibly be training there was beyond us but none of it seemed to make any sense, or have any connection to the real world. But then it occurred to the Staff that the training was about how the IBSI represents itself to the Public. Naturally, they will not show methods or curriculum to the Public. Nor would they provide a copy of the supposedly single code key to The Republic to print. The job of the DPI is to be the front face of the IBSI, the image that the public sees.

In this sense then, perhaps, the IBSI did indeed pull back the curtain on their clandestine operations. The goal was to show us something so ridiculous that we didn't believe it. And in doing so, they decreased our opinion, and possibly our suspicion or apprehension over the IBSI. But, that almost seems like what they would want to do if they were trying to represent the Bureau as "benign, friendly and perfectly transparent." And the Public Contact with the DPI simply answered that he has no reason to misrepresent anything that his Department or the Bureau does.

After 15 more minutes of attempting to clarify, we were thanked for our time.