Egelion

[Louis]

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Cruz: As Terra goes on through its usual shenanigans, I find myself drinking a lot and getting migraines due to staring at my phone. But, there is no other feeling that can best describe when Terra is finally active. Listen, I am sick of seeing news from the world all the time. I don't care! It's always something about militaries or some international spat about alcohol consumption. NO ME IMPORTA! Nonetheless, it is amazing journalism. Journalism that I think is needed in these extraordinary times and these are in fact extraordinary times. My career has led me to most impressive places: sipping methanol in the Triad Republic, doing drugs in Kalistan, getting lost in a maze of trains in Gemun, and giving up my self-worth in Nadiya. Truly the foundations of an excellent career one would envy. But my career has not focused on the gut-churning, anxiety-inducing world topic that is geopolitics. For this segment, I would like to invite the most prominent, meat-eating wrestler alive: Daniel de Varela! thank you for being here.

Danni: Grassy-ass, Cruz. I think that's how you say it. You know what, I think I'd like to go by Danni, please. And liten, I don't mean to be rude, but you have an impressive rack on ya.

Cruz: Wow thanks! Danni, I want to get started right away. I do not get paid enough for pleasantries anymore. More funding goes to bozos in the streets nowadays. Tell me, what do you think about global affairs. More interesting than your sex life noo?

Danni: You know what Cruz? This is the exact journalism we need right now in the world! Listen, I've banged several people in my life before. But nothing can top what those Xsampans just did to Bianjie and the rest of Dovani. I mean listen... they said they did this for peace. I get that, I'm all for white doves and shit, but then you gotta follow their logic. It doesn't make sense. You know shit is baaad when you agree with Kalistan. I mean they really said: the closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. You believe that, Cruz?

Cruz: You are so right Danni. I think there are several analyses out there that describe the situation. Bianjie had one, Valruzia had another, but I think what is most surprising about this all is the activity it has caused within embassies, foreign leaders, and diplomats. All it takes is a drunkard, a yeudi, and a communist for the world to go crazy? 

Danni: Listen, I've seen sum shit. I live in Baltusia okay? All I see is crime and edgy teenagers everywhere. Hell, I've thrown a trashcan at my neighbors before to keep them from eating my rare Luthorian poppy flower. That I certainly do not use to make drugs. Anyways, I think we are really starting to see a divide of east and west. Of different power blocs as well. I think before we had very clear lines of east and west, but those lines are blurry now. Listen, I think it's good that Xsampa did this. Not because of the shit they just gave up, but I think it caused a ripple in Terra we have not seen for years.

Cruz: You are absolutely correct Danni. Now, what do you expect to come out of this? Do we get to see a war finally? do we see a cold war? What do we get?



Danni: What you get is fucking bloodbath. You get a shitstorm. Back and forth talk, secret spy crap and a bunch of nonsense coming from everyone's mouths. Look, when things like this happen, you are going to see a lot of backroom deals. I'm talking aircraft carriers and carpet stains.... If you know that reference you're old! Now, I think the plan here is to try and assess what our endgames are. Why the fuck does Xsampa want land? Why do those drunk bastards want access to Dovani? Why are yeudis still relevant? These are all tough questions. Tougher than some of my meat products. But look, I just want to say I'm entertained. Truly I am. What better than to watch a couple of bozos yelling at each other? Hgagha! I'm here for it all!

Cruz: I love you attitude Danni! See... this is why I love my job. I get to speak to intellectuals like you Danni. You know what you like, you know what your opinion is, and you do not hold back.

Danni: Baby, this is just the beginning. Look, I love everyone. I love Yeudis, Xsampans, Luthorians, Kalistanis--all of the weird folk out there. But you gotta think about our place in the world. We are here for each other. Shit, at the end of the day, let Xsampa have all that land. Who cares! Once you're dead, you're dead. It won't matter at the end of the day. But at the same time, those who are pissed, go get that bag! Start a war, you cannot be holding back now. We only live once. Go start some shit. What's the worst that could happen? You drink some watered down beer? Or worse, get chocohummus shoved through your eyes? Nah, I'm here for it all. I'm just enjoying the show.

Cruz: Danni I just want to thank you for being here. Your exceptional opinion has opened my eyes and I'm sure the eyes of others. I think you summed up world affairs quite well. At the end of the day, we are all enjoying this event, but man there are implications for what went down these past few weeks. We are yet to see what further ripple effects are caused by the deal between Xsampa and Amudim. For our show next week, we will try to investigate the global effect of sausage sales and how it correlates to increased aggressiveness on the Artanian continent. Thank you.

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