A Battle Unseen

[Doc]

May 1, some where in Northern Juldrati Province

Finally, the night is good sleeping weather. These last few weeks have been just rain and misery. Food is bad, water is almost all poisoned, we live in mud and sleep in rotted tree stumps. It's not all bad, of course. This week, we met a woman from a local dairy farm. She brought the guys a gallon of cold refreshing leche. Some of men thought it was goat milk, some thought cow milk, but at any rate, she was willing to drink a cup of it to prove that it wasn't poisoned. Our translator expressed our thanks, and she told him that she hates the Legion and what they have done to the Country, and wants us there. She also said "Hail Pavlina" in her broken Vrassan... She couldn't be more than 22 years old. Old enough I suppose to know Pavlina Hulanevek's supposed origins in this wasteland of a country, maybe not old enough maybe to know that Pavlina died before the Legion wasted this country.

The men are in the rack. We're in this little bivouac spot in the rear for a couple days while we wait for the lines to move, and then its back to "Pacification". We're grateful for the rest.

Nights like this I get to thinking. What was life like before the war? I wonder what the guys in Sulari would say if they could see me now. I remember that one time when we had a wrestling contest. Dios Mio, that skinny guy... ah what was his name, Miguel something or other, he whipped us all. He was too wiry. I recall the knot I had on my head when he laid me out. I couldn't hold on to him. I wonder where Miguel is now... or any of those guys.

After the war? Who knows. I'm probably going to die in this country. These stupid pacification missions. No... we can't remember Regelik... its not worth remembering. They're ghosts now... just ghosts... no something even worse: clearing out the drainage tunnels? no, not even close. The work camps with the piles of bones and the butcher shops. no... the mines... Lots of these guys are going to be f--ked up when they get back... I'm keeping it together, but the men are already starting to crack a little. Maybe I am too.

If I do make it out of here, I want to go see her. When I think of her, she's like an angel, and she brings light to my darkest thoughts... She is who I am fighting for here. Just even a glimpse of her, even just in my memory, is enough to push the ghosts away for a little while. The thought that she could possibly want to see me maybe a little too much to hope for. But I have never met someone so fierce of spirit, so determined, and so brave. We only met once, but it was enough. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I am here and she is so far away.

It's the thought of even standing another moment in her presence which makes my time here worth my while. Makes our fight here worth it. I want her to be proud of my guys, but is it selfish to say, I want her to be proud of me too? To know what I face because she asked me to? Is that too much?

I have no family anymore. My life could be heroic, or it could be a complete waste. Who knows what the future may hold. In a couple days, we may meet our end, all of us, or maybe me. But I think I will not have lived a full life, even after all I have a accomplished, building ships for the Empire, being a local union representative, joining the Militia, rising to the highest heights and then some, all of that, my life won't be full until I admit to myself that I also feel love for another human. Its hard to love in this land full of hatred, suffering and death, but love helps me transcend, and frees me from this hell. So, amo Maria. Ahi, lo escribí mientras me lo susurraba a mí mismo. Ella nunca lo sabra, pero es verdad. -JM

[[This entry redacted by direction of IBSI]]